Real life experiences 

Pamela’s story – parenting through cancer 

they diagnosed me with breast cancer in 2021. My mother had also survived cancer years before and as soon as I felt the lump, I knew what it was. The doctors also found a lump in my armpit and just after my 38th birthday, they diagnosed me with stage 3 triple negative breast cancer.  

Breaking the news to my daughter

My daughter Matilda was just 5 years old and her life changed overnight. We used to have such a busy life. Our weekends were about getting outdoors, going to the playground and having lots of fun. Then when I got diagnosed, everything just stopped. We knew we had to be honest with her about why her life was suddenly so different.  

You hear stories of some kids becoming withdrawn after their parents get sick, but Matilda went the other way. She asked hundreds of questions and she wanted to know everything and try to make sense of what was happening.  

We didn’t dumb down the language to make it easier for her, we just told her how it was. She knows I had breast cancer and that it was triple negative breast cancer and what that means.  

By being honest with her, it means we weren’t walking on eggshells or trying to hide things from her. There were some tough questions. One time I was in hospital during chemotherapy and she asked, ‘Mummy, are you going to die?’ 

The truth was, I didn’t know. I was still waiting on MRI results to find out if the cancer had spread. I said ‘Matilda, to be honest, I don’t know. And I’m as scared as you are. But trust me, mummy is doing her best to stay with you,’. 

That was hard.   

Learning how to accept help 

As soon as I was diagnosed, I shared the news through Facebook, with friends and family, with Matilda’s school and with my work. I didn’t think I would do myself any favours but keeping it quiet. I’m a communicator by profession, so I used the skills and platforms I have available to share what I was going through in the hope it would create awareness.  

When you share your story, people want to help. I’m an independent person, but I had to get used to accepting help because you can’t do it on your own.  

We were living in Cairns with no family support. However, I was lucky that even during the pandemic, my mum could get a special exemption to fly from Chile to Australia to be with us. She stayed for 6 months, which was an incredible blessing.  

We also had lots of other help; from friends in Cairns to people supporting us from afar. My daughter’s friends’ parents would take Matilda on the days when I was too sick to care for her or when my husband had to care for me. It meant she still had a fun day, even in those terrible months during my chemotherapy. Many friends delivered meals or sent dinner vouchers if they didn’t live in Cairns.  

My workplace was amazing too. I worked during my treatment because it stopped me from sitting on the couch and worrying. I decided that although cancer was taking everything from me, it couldn’t take my brain, so I worked to keep a sense of normality. But on those off days when I couldn’t get out of bed, my colleagues were more than happy to pick up the slack and support me.  

When you have a baby, people keep telling you it takes a village to raise a child. The spirit is very similar to cancer – it takes a village to get through cancer. 

Keeping Matilda at our centre

The most challenging thing was protecting Matilda and not letting cancer steal her childhood. It’s so easy to get it wrong because you don’t really know. Parenting is hard. You never know if you’re doing it right most of the time, let alone when you’re going through cancer.  

I had a terrible reaction to radiotherapy and was so sick that I had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance because I was unresponsive. Matilda was fine when she saw later that I was ok but I wish she hadn’t seen that. It was so scary but I couldn’t control it.  

We’ve always been focused on making sure Matilda has a high level of emotional intelligence. She knows how to talk about her feelings and if things aren’t going right, she feels comfortable talking to us.  

One day she came to me and said ‘Mummy, I think cancer is disrespectful.’ ‘That’s an amazing way to put it,’ I told her. 

She talked about how cancer is disrespectful to me, her dad, our friends, it’s disrespectful to everyone. We let her talk for about 10 minutes then afterwards we asked her, ‘does that feel better?’ ‘Yes!’ she said.  

I think it’s important to let kids express themselves and allow them to have emotional moments. We all need that to process big feelings.  

It was important that we had open communication with Matilda’s school and that they told us if they saw any red flags. When she saw I wasn’t well at home, she would make herself very little and try to not make any noise. We knew that if there were any problems, they would show up at school.  

We told her teachers that we wanted them to be our eyes. They had to tell us if they ever saw any behavioural issues so we could address them straight away. Yes, I am going through cancer treatment, but Matilda is our number one priority.  

Helping her be a part of my recovery

By being honest with Matilda, she could then be a part of my recovery. We told her that cancer hates hugs and kisses, so every time she kisses me, it’s helping to fight cancer. She took her job seriously and every time I was really sick, she would just sit next to me and hug me.  

We bought this small one seater couch and called it our healing couch. There was just enough room for the two of us to sit on it. We would watch movies together or do colouring in because they were the only things I could still do when I was feeling sick.  

We found a way to make beautiful memories in a very unfortunate situation.

Building our future together

I finished active treatment in March 2022 and we recently moved to Adelaide to be closer to my husband’s family. Matilda is settling in really well, but she still talks about cancer and she still gets scared some times.  

She’s now a stronger, more resilient girl. Who knows what experience will impact her life in the future? She might decide to be the next researcher who cures cancer. Or not. Who knows? 

At the end of the day, I know that she now sees life differently. She appreciates every day because she knows that life is fragile. She makes the most of each second. What an amazing thing to learn so young.  

It took me a cancer diagnosis to learn that life is all about the little things and I was 38.  

She learned that at 5 years old. How amazing.